So it’s Monday, and it’s been almost two weeks since I really talked to Tennessee. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster. I feel like half the time I’m angry, and then the rest the time I’m so sad and hurt and lonely. "How could you do this to me?!" That question runs through my head probably a thousand times a day. How could someone who said he love me do this to me? I just don't get it. It makes no sense at all.
I can’t think of anything worse that you could do to a person. I can’t think of anything more hurtful and disrespectful and to be honest, lack of caring. How could someone that I slept next to every night, that I made dinner for, that I shared experiences with, that I introduced my family....how could he act like I don’t even exist? Does he even miss me at all?
I have come to realize that not everyone in the world is like me. I have a big heart and I care about people. When I love someone, I love hard. I fell for him fast and ignored so many red flags. His drinking. His lying. His not wanting to have a public relationship. I let so many of my standards slide, because it felt good to be with him.
I’m feeling good on the way to work today. I’m feeling more focused and have more of a sense of self. But I know it’s only a matter time until all of those emotions come back and crash down around me. Last night I felt really awful. I felt at my worst. The question, "what did I do to deserve this?" kept running through my head. What did I do for him to just walk away without a single word, no explanation.
Nothing.
Not a single thing.
I have come to realize, with my hours and hours of crying and thinking and talking to people and watching videos, I have done nothing wrong. I told him how I felt. I told him that I care about him. I expressed my needs....and he bailed. But there is one, solid, undeniable truth in everything....
There is no fear in speaking my truth.
There is NO FEAR in speaking my truth.
This is me. I can't change things. I can't change what I feel and what I need.
I need to pick myself up. I need to start focusing on me....To treat myself right, to get my shit together...I know this time I didn’t fuck this one up. I didn’t. Did I know there were red flags? Sure! But who wouldn’t? He was charming and charismatic and adorable and sweet and did nice things for me....And I was really looking for that after Mike. I needed it so bad.
Anyway. Goals for today, just simple things:
Maintain my positive energy, and keep my head high.
Complement someone today.
Pay my debts.
Take care of the kids.
Do my best work.
Remember that I’m on this earth to influence others.
Take care of my body.
Go running.
Go out tonight and not expect anything on this date. Just have fun.
Just live today.
Breathe today.
Remember above all that I am worth it. That I am loving and caring and kind and generous and full of life....and the right person is out there waiting for me.
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